Papa

This is so awesome: my Dad cancer is in total remission!!!! His hair is growing fast too. As you can see we are all very happy!

Good things

I have been a bit depressed and I am starting to do better. It is the first time I am having depression during Spring.

My Dad is out of the hospital since 10 days (already?) and he is doing allright. We are waiting for his blood test results. His doctor just abandonned him. I was so furious. Imagine you are fighting cancer, you spend 3 weeks  in a sterile room. First you doctor never comes to see you. Second, you are out of the hospital and he tells you that he doesn't want to see you. You can come and see him privately though and pay the full price!!! (health care is totally different in France).

What about the deontology? What about my Dad's moral? We already knew that doctor was not nice. But then, it is really the last straw. My poor Papa was all demoralized. 
The good thing though, he is feeling better. Still tired, still feeling the effect of chemio and all. But he doesn't suffer anymore and that is wonderful. I can't wait to go and see him in France.

I have been working like crazy but today I prefer to show someone else's work. When I came across Pippi's jewelry, I was awestruck. If you love me and want to make a gift to me here are what I dream about:

But the last two pairs would do too! Check out her shop, it is full of intricate and sophisticated creations.

Hopital

Papa is at the hospital since Monday. They first gave him the chemio and it went well. No side-effects and so on.
Yesterday, he received his cell transplant and once again it went very well. Not fever, no reaction. He is now in a totally sterile room, my family has to put on a complete suit when they visit him, one at a time. He is having this kind of ventilation on him all the time.
So I am relieved a bit. Now we are waiting for the blood test to see if the transplant is working.

But...There is always a "but", right? France is changing. The wrong way: everything is being privatized. Everyone and everything is following the very same path USA followed these last years (if not decades). See where we are now? At the hospital, you have to pay several euros to park to go and visit your family. I don't know for other hospitals, but I never heard about that in here, and it was the first time in France.

The first 2 days, there were not telephone and no tv in the room. It was broken. But now, everything is outsource to private businesses and it takes days to have them to come and fix things. My granny gave my Dad that wonderful laptop and we were planning on doing a lot of webcam as I am so far away. Well, there is no way he can catch a wireless network! They are all locked and the one available for everyone doesn't work.

It took 2 days to bring him a blanket (he was really cold with the aeration thing). It took one day to bring him a nicotine patch. The tobaccologue was supposed to visit him. No one so far.
That ward is supposed to close next year and they will all move in the brand new buildings. Yes, fine. 
But what do the patients become until then?

Fortunately the nurses seem quite nice with him and are visiting him often. He sleeps well and eat well.
I miss him so much. Today I was finally able to speak with him (yes, he is back in the 21st century! He has very nice movies channels and PHONE! Crazy, right?).
A friend proposed to lend me the money to go and see him. I am so touched by her wonderful generosity. And if she reads that, a lot of hugs to her!

That is something I discovered living in this country, USA. People are generous. 

Papa

On Monday, my Dad will go to the hospital to receive a cell transplant. They will give him massive chemio treatment and do the auto transplant on the 18th. All his cancerous cells will be destroyed and they will reimplant some which were treated separately, for his system to build new healthy cells.

He will stay a minimum of 15 days in hospital. The ward he will be in is a very little one, there are only 6 rooms. So I guess they will really pay attention to his needs etc. Also my Mom, my bro and my sis will be there. But...I won't. Everyday since we learnt he will enter the hospital, I have been holding my tears. I would love to be with him but it is not possible for me right now.

So I have been drowning myself into work, but somehow I always have that terrible feeling, I am not happy about myself...

Today I went for a walk in a park in the countryside with my dog and hubby. The great sun, the clear crisp air entered my head and cleaned away the bad smells and rotten thoughts which had pilled up ones on top of the others. I am feeling a bit better now. 

Phase III

Finally my Dad didn't have to stay at the hospital. His Myeloma is Phase III meaning the cancer is developped and that there is a tumor. Several bones are touched but not all. Also his overal health is quite good. His doctor says it is a slow developping cancer. He will have a catheter next week. Next step is starting the treatment with a combination of medications and chemiotherapy. And the autogreffe after.

This is such a nightmare. I realized I loved my Dad even more than I thought because when I think about him and his cancer, I don't think about me being deprived of his presence, I think about his suffering, about how he must feel right now, how he must be afraid and all.

I wanted to move back to France but this is materially and financially impossible. For now. I am drowning myself into work, trying to take my mind out of it, but I just can't. I just want to hug my Dad. I just want to be with him and my family. I just want to fuck away this asshole of cancer and make it disappear...